When my wife and I first got married, we were awful. When I say ‘awful,’ I really mean it. We were hateful, rude, argumentative, stubborn, impatient, etc. The sad truth is that we didn’t know how to relate to one another in a marriage, and we were having difficulty living with another person, especially someone of the opposite sex. I still had a lot of lust struggles and my wife still had insane low self-esteem and insecurity issues. This is where our premarital sexual experience began to REALLY hurt us. We knew it to be a mistake when we had sex before marriage, but we never knew how much hurt it would bring us.
When we got in fights, we would bring up the other’s sins or struggles and criticize each other, because we were so angry and didn’t know how to turn arguments into problem solving. We didn’t handle anything; we merely fought and hated each other. Things got really bad even a few months after we got married. Krystal became pregnant which was a blessing, but we were torn between happiness and despair because of our constant arguing and hatred towards one another. Eventually, I slipped up and fell into the sin of pornography. I hadn’t looked at porn for over a year, but I became relaxed spiritually. Krystal found out about it (no, I didn’t even confess, which caused worse problems), and we hated each other more. There was a lot of hurt because of my stupidity.
Eventually, our fights became physical. And not just one-sided, though there were definitely times of that. It was sad, but we would both got physical with each other; our anger and bitterness had pushed us to a whole new level of arguing. Unfortunately, we both came from families where arguing was violent and abusive (whether physical, emotional, or mental). And even though I wanted to be different from our families, we ended up being just like them. Something terrible happened shortly after I looked at porn (but I won’t share the details since I’m not sure if my wife is comfortable with that part).
But another tragedy occurred: we had a miscarriage on February 7, 2012. We were to have a baby girl, and we had already named her Naomi Grace. She had kicked through my wife’s cervix and had started an early, unexpected delivery. We were only 19.5 weeks pregnant, and when our baby girl came out (at 11oz), her lungs weren’t developed enough for her to survive. My poor wife had to deliver the child she had carried for nearly 20 weeks only to see her dead. Now I, being a man who couldn’t experience the joy of carrying a baby in my belly, couldn’t fully feel what she was going through or even understand completely her hurt. I hated that. I cried a ton that day and for a while, but I knew I wasn’t hurting as badly as my wife. Furthermore, Krystal couldn’t even stop to take everything in; she started hemorrhaging immediately after and they had to give her a blood transfusion to save her life. I honestly thought I would lose both my baby girl and my wife on the same day. I sat in the hospital room alone while she was back in an operating room with the doctors under anesthesia. I almost lost hope, but praise God! He spared my wife, and with that tragic day, He began to change our lives from the inside out.